My Gaming Paradox

I have tried to play Pokemon Black several times, I always lose steam around the time you hit that central city that was a big aspect of the game's marketing. I eventually gave up on ever finishing Pokemon Black. Fast forward to last year and I finally rented Pokemon Y, i lost steam sooner than I had in Pokemon Black, but then late last year I gave it one final push with all the promise in the world of finally finishing another Pokemon game. Needless to say, I didn't. I did get somewhat far, I got as far as obtaining the ability to mega-evolve but then I just puffed out of my last bit of steam. I cannot finish another Pokemon and this reality is ever more apparent in the face of the recently announced Sword and Shield. Why not? What's my issue? These are well praised, multi-million unit selling games and yet, despite playing Pokemon games for over two decades of my life, what's happened? I've been thinking about this lately and also why? I have a trail of unfinished games in my wake, many of them I'm sure I enjoyed, but for whatever reason I just cannot get through them and yet I can purge hours of my life playing a mindless game like Black Ops 4 with no issues but plenty of regret for all the experiences I'm denying myself. My gaming paradox: looking for something new but staying with something old.

An aspect of my life that has changed in the last eight years and to an even greater extent, almost six years, is that I'm a married man with two young children. I went from working 9 to 6, five days a week, living at my parents, spending all my money on games, nights out and food, to a life where on average I get around two hours to myself five to six days a week. I probably had around four to five hours free time for five days a week beforehand and then every waking hour on my days off. 
I had so much free time to spend on games, for instance; I once booked a day off work on a Friday, went into town to pick up Resident Evil 5 on day one release, went home and played it all day. I finished the whole campaign on Normal in one day. I could never, ever, do that now. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't resent my family life; I'm making an example of how I would use my time. Now that my time is in demand, bonding with my kids, making time for my wife, the games have to take a backseat. I can't keep up with the world of games. I used to run out of new games to play but now my backlog is like the Universe, expanding faster and faster, faster than the speed of my fingers. An endless world of games is now open to me and choosing which world to visit first has become a tiring choice. I hate to feel like I'm wasting my time and so I have to be overly cautious when choosing which games I play to avoid the dreaded sense of time wasting. 

As well as trying to complete the new games as they appear there's also a few retro games I never finished that I want to. Then there is my old vice; the monkey on my back, the gnawing of my ear, that bug bear; Call of Duty. No matter how much I've tried to distance myself from this hour sucking beast of a game, I still end up dipping into it. Like a black hole sucking up time, I don't ever get a sense of accomplishment whilst playing it. I set arbitrary goals to justify playing it; like maxing out all guns, completing challenges but then only specific ones because I know I know I don't have the time to grind them out. I'm consumed whilst I play, forgetting everything about the world around me. The house could be burning down around me and I think I'd barely noticed as I near a juicy scorestreak.

I enjoy games immensely and I despise the notion that "playing games is a waste of your life", because as long as you are enjoying your life it's not a waste! There's an expectancy to accomplish some thing life, make a stamp on humanity but the reality is, even the biggest of celebrities fade out within a generation, replaced with new faces and names. No one will remember me in a hundred years, regardless of what I do. So if I enjoy games and they bring me joy and escapism then it's time well spent. 
I love games, but I don't have the time I used to. I want to enjoy the games I play and not waste time on games I'll never finish or games that deprive me of experiences I will enjoy more. So when my kids have grown up and they don't want to watch their old man play Mario Odyssey anymore, perhaps then I will finally make a dent in my backlog and discover some amazing games. Perhaps the backlog will be my sanctuary and the face of gaming will be so different that I'm not interested in the new experiences. Hopefully that won't happen and I'll continue to enjoy games from here to come. 
Alas, I still have my paradox. I still have Black Ops 4 cooing at me, I still don't know what to rent first. I still feel like playing Command and Conquer. Oh, what's a gamer to do.